Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it.
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This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied. Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they want to do as much as possible to control it and mold it to their liking.
They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything. They demand that you say and do exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion. You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results—unless, of course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs.
Sometimes that blame is generalized—all police, all bosses, all teachers, all Democrats, and so on. At other times the narcissist picks a particular person or rule to blame—his mother, the judge, or laws that limit what he wants to do.
2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation
Most often, however, the narcissist blames the one person who is the most emotionally close, most attached, loyal, and loving in his life—you. You are the safest person to blame, because you are least likely to leave or reject him.
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They are a lot like 2-year-olds. They believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do. They are shocked and highly insulted to be told no. Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others. They tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissists expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.
But narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others. At the same time, they are nearly blind to the other feelings of the people around them. They frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. This is why narcissists often misinterpret sarcasm as actual agreement or joking from others as a personal attack. Their lack of ability to correctly read body language is one reason narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your feelings. Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of feelings.
1. Superiority and entitlement
They think their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of themselves. In a nutshell, narcissists always think you cause their feelings—especially the negative ones. This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional connection with narcissists difficult or impossible. Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They simply must have that red sports car, based entirely on how they feel driving it, not by whether it is a good choice to make for the family or for the budget.
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They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. This can be spotted early on by them being flirty with others in front of you or where they know you will see it, such as on their social media or around sources they know will report back to you. Maybe I DID imagine it. So you keep quiet, allow the remarks to continue, and allow your self-esteem to be chinked away at further. The lower it is, the easier you are to control, the more anxious you are, and the more likely you are to become codependent on them.
The longer you spend in a relationship with someone with NPD, the worse it gets. Pleading your case means nothing. Asking them to change will be met with either fury, or perhaps agreement… but it will only be to appease the situation and give you a false sense of hope, or balance in the relationship.
The scars that they leave run deep if they are given the chance to stay and continue to exert their will. Your ability to trust yourself, believe in others, make decisions, feel confident, and trust, will be left in tatters, if not totally destroyed. While they are very sneaky and good at what they do, there ARE signs, and they will show up fairly quickly. The only option to get away for good is to go complete NO contact.
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Do not give them the opportunity to get back into your life. The sooner you realize you have a parasite, the less damage it is able to do. My name is Jessie Monreal, and I currently work at a treatment facility field as a clinical case manager. I hold a degree in addiction studies as well as a CADC. I have experience and education in both the mental health and substance abuse field. As a person in recovery who has been personally affected on numerous levels by these topics, it is a passion of mine to help reach out to those who may be struggling, as well as to educate the public and break stigmas.
I currently write a blog on these topics at www. Retrieved on January 17, , from https: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Oct Published on Psych Central.
Your time together is likely to be marked by a lack of genuine interest in anything other than him- or herself. For example, you could get late-night calls when he or she is distraught, excited, or wants something but similar calls from you may not even be answered. Attempts to share your deeper thoughts, beliefs, or feelings may be given lip service, ignored, or dismissed. In fact, seize the opportunity to reflect and evaluate your twosome.
If you want to make things work, there are ways to cope with dating or living with a narcissist, including developing conflict-resolution skills and bolstering your own confidence and self-esteem to shield you against narcissistic attacks. Ultimately, knowledge is power. Being aware of signs of narcissism and some of the problems that can arise from dating a narcissist allows you to be prepared and to make informed decisions about the relationship.
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